ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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