this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
