Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
