when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
