The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
