Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
i now understand why vodka
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
