Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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