bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
