I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Is it because I queefed?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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