My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
