oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
