just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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