why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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