Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
