my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
