I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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