can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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