Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We had to coat check the pizza.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
