My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
