hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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