I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
