Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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