We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
