He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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