I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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