my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I could fuck to npr.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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