How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
