wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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