Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
