My room smells like vodka and shame
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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