Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
