put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
