hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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