is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
