6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
