i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
