Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Life is so much better after having sex.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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