Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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