There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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