During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
