I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
