i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
