so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
