I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
