Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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