Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
