Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
