girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
