i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
