i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
