Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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