Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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