1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
