i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
