mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
