i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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