I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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