They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
