Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
