I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
