I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
