And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
