I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
