You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I have aggressive nipples.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
