My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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